Vulnerable

Loss…..

I could tell something was wrong by the look on their faces

And by the silence.

The sonographer searching methodically

Like a deep sea diver looking for treasure,

A piece of precious pottery,

A body,

A glimmer of hope.

An internal probe and I know

“It’s not good news I’m afraid”

Loss,

Those words tapping away at the dam holding back my feelings.

Loss,

Now tumbling out,

Creeping, seeping, leaking

And I try to hold on to some dignity

As they explain what’s going on.

I feel myself nodding although I am not sure I know what’s being said.

I want to go home and curl into a ball.

I feel like I’ve failed.

I feel a fraud….I thought it was all ok.

My body tricking me.

Loss,

I wanted to give you a gift

I let you down.

Loss.